Hello world. How are you ? I’ll sharing stories about my life lately, what’s going on with you ? where are you going ? how my life so far.. I want to share with you my readers, how to deal with toxic relationship, depression, and other achieved dreams. It’s so hard for me when I writing this post actually, but I want to empower or at least help other human who feel the same thing or depression like I had by sharing.
Oh hello 26 years old
Time flies so fast.. it’s already 26 years old since I was born and living on earth. It’s so scary that times is so quick to passed like riding on roller coaster and boom! You already 26.
God, so many things that happened to me such as :
Successfully escape from toxic relationship
Last year in 2018, I almost getting engaged with someone who didn’t even love me, appreciate me nor my families, and get betrayed by him, and his family. I felt like I was being trapped and drained in the city of mud mixed with blood. Got a lot knives stabbed in my heart, on my back, just like when you watch John Snow got betrayed, killed & stabbed by his night watch crew.
At first, I feeling so angry, dirty, exhausted, sad, disgusted, feel cringed all the time. You want to get out from this feeling as soon as you can, but you can’t just wipe a dirty spits, bloods, and shit with a single wipes, is it ? it’s takes time. Especially when you already know that person for a years.
Like getting back into relationship with your ex is one of the dumbest mistakes that I’ve ever made in my entire life. Books, quotes, friends, they have warned you that getting back together with your ex is just like reading the same book over and over again when you know how the story ends. I thought actually about it but I ignored it, until I found it’s true. Indeed.. the truth has been spoken.
So how can you escape ?
Praying to God is the only way to seek for the truth answer. I believe in Allah in every important decision that I make in my life. So I pray to Allah, I asked Him, is he the one that rightful person for me ? my forever person ? a man who will become my husband and be my best friend for entire my life, if he is a bad person for me, my life, my family, please show and lead the way to remove him from my life, then if he’s good for me, my life, please make it easy and blissful path for us to reach each other.
Allah spontaneously show me the way, that it’s so easy to separated person, if someone is not your right partner, nature will remove that person so easy, as easy to flip your hand. So easy like that. So easy to get separated. So easy to break up, rather staying in that relationship.
Depressed, is that you ?
Block, cut him, delete him from your social media is sure helpful for me. I felt so ease. I felt like when there was a heavy rock that stayed on my chest become weigh-lifted. Is this weird feeling? Why suddenly I feel so calm and not feeling anything after I cried. I become a numb.
My brain and my heart says,” Why you cry to someone who have betrayed you darling ? Why ? WAKE UP! You’re too precious for that,”. The way I got sad & depressed was actually because I saw my parents cried after what happened to me.
“Don’t cry mom.. dad.. please it something that we have to feel grateful that Allah save my life. We don’t know the best, but Allah do know what is the best things for us.,” I said then when tried to console them. I refused to get depressed. This is good experiences for me. I told that to my self everyday, even after I woke up and had a nightmare about them.
God has three answer : ” Yes “, “Not Yet,” ” I have something better,”. That is something that I learned in this life. Allah always know the best things for us. Whether we think good or bad is actually always good for us. Good for us to growth become a better person, smarter, and wiser of course.
Get out, chased your dreams
So after getting betrayed by someone you trusted, my home feeling entirely gloomy. So I chose to get out, get a full time job when I’m not staying in my house. I got a job at small company agent which is my job to served a super popular big squid international company in the world. It was a software developer application company, well the company is super popular app on google play-store or ios that people use it everyday to get popular, to have fun, and I working with them.
My job position is kinda huge. I become such a project manager, a position that you have to deal with a lot of stressful clients, deal with boss, director, with a hundred agents, a thousand rules that you have to told & translate it into some documents and agents, deal with a hundred spreadsheet documents that you know that kind of never-ending jobs.
A tough positions I said. I feel I have to work like a slave, for the name of ‘manager’ is actually I wanted since I was a little kids. I always want to know what it feels like working as a manager in big company. One of my dreams achieved Alhamdulillah. Allah give my pray an answer. How much you get paid ? is it good ? I can’t say it’s good but I can save & pay my food.
But it’s not lasted long. In 3 months later, I feel like my working environment is not good, it’s always full of negativity that sometimes makes me want to buried my self in someplace that people can’t find me. I feel more like a robot, a cow, a slave that have to work until the death found me. Not only dealing with negativity, deep pressure, toxic people, sexual harassment, bullies, fatigues, they’re all surrounded me. In 5 months I decided to quit my job, and be as freelancer writer & graphic designer again. I decided to fight the uncertainties of life again. The uncertainties amount of money, chances, people, etc in this life.
Forgiving doesn’t meant you agree what they did is right
Feels deep grudge ? Want to take revenge ? I’ve been there. But I don’t want that bad feeling, grudge control me anymore. That why I decided to not take a big deal about it and decided to learn how to forgive by letting go of bad past, let go of bad memories by getting closer with God, reading Al-Quran, praying to God and ask for forgiveness indeed is the best thing that I learned in this life. Forgive people who betrayed you, who hurt you, who stabbed you, when it happened, you will feel calmer, stronger, and ready to take control of yourself.
Meditation is sure helpful
After I praying, in the night before going to sleep, I listened meditation sounds *I found it accidentally when I tried to found sleep meditation in YouTube. I got Insomnia and hard to sleep because feeling pressure from my past jobs, office, people, my past memories. I took a deep breath, and release it, again, and again.. until I found my self in the morning woke up from my subuh-alarm haha. Don’t forget to get enough sleep. We are human and we need to take a break, take a rest, and deep breath, and talk to you’re body “You’re doing a good job for today,”.
You become what you think
Another truth has been spoken. We become what we think. So dream what you want, we’re human we need to dream in order to survive in this short life. Everyday, I dream that one day I become a successful women, a rich investor, happy wife, a mother of my children, riding helicopter, etc. Hahaha I know it sound ridiculous and hard to believe, but you free to imagine yourself become someone you want to be.. you free to think.. free to dream the details of place, time, or anything, and don’t forget to always pray to God because believe it or not, God will help it to become come true.
Well, I know life doesn’t always go as we planned. But people live with dream and without a dream, our life feels empty. I’ll work hard as far as I can do and trust My Beloved God (Allah) to help my dream becoming truth. Amin ya robbal ‘alamin.
Well, that’s all.
What’s your dream ?